Filed under: on my mind
i am so looking forward to spending some quality time with friends this weekend. hopefully by the time we meet i will finally be finished all my shopping and can just concentrate on all my sweet, soulful beauties and my boyzzz and of course my jay. of course it won’t be the same without jodes this year, so i put this picture up to lift my spirits about that. her charm and fun spirit are exactly what draw me to her and this picture, like almost all pictures of jody, capture the essence of that. i know she is sad as well that she isn’t able to come this year but i hope she knows that even when she is miles and miles away she is always in my thoughts and heart and that i think it is so amazing that she is hosting her very first christmas. so a very big holiday hug, kiss and smile go out to jodes, dave and aidan this saturday! we all love you and can’t wait to see you in the new year!
Filed under: all that noise
My heart aches today. Sadness has overcome my muscles and has seeped into my blood stream. See my grandma was all set to die. Her time had come and things seemed to spiral so fast. The suffering, although not painful physically to her, was evident and with each stroke of her unkempt hair and touch of her soft skin i let that in. i let my heart let her go. I think we all did. But today she presses on and has decided to start letting food in her mouth and has decided to swallow. Some would say it is a miracle.What brings me the sadness is that although it is her that is allowing herself to rally and hence has not given up her will to live, i know that this world is just not for her anymore. There is a tremendous sinking feeling in my stomach that although just days ago i put a spoon to her mouth and persuaded her to eat, that i wish she would just let go now. What a dark feeling to bare. But to be in this world but not really have your mind fully in the game just seems like such a scary proposition to me. Of course if she does give up on this life, another type of sadness will form in my heart. I feel more ready for this though.I happened to catch an old show on tv on the blizzardy sunday morning. in it the lead was seeking some therapy for her sadness and was told to make a list and think about three things that she was looking forward to and three things she loved to help break in a more positive light. so………
three things i am looking forward to:
1) the kids running up the porch on boxing day excited and full of love
2) a teleseminar tonight about a future direction
3) hearing jay play blackbird on his new guitar
three things i love:
1) jay leaving some tangarines in the fridge for me cause i like them cold
2) having a cherry wiskey and coke with my mom
3) making jay’s mom really really laugh “
and we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise
and we are just
breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys” ~ingrid michaelson
