minutes tick before me. a steady reminder of the importance of it all. cherishing the present. breathing into it. feeling so lucky with the hand i have been dealt. the hard times are washed over by a refreshing flow of love in hues of blue and vanilla. from my finger tips to my toes it spreads through me. i will awake tomorrow to the orange sun setting over my home as i lay warm and comfortable with sleep in my eyes. i will turn my head and see a smile before me and glowing eyes. a kiss planted on my forehead. cherishing the future. breathing into it.

Here it is:

Kristen Morris’ mission statement

I declare that:

I will remember how importance kindness is

I will covet and nurture all of my relationships

I will surround myself with people who make me feel safe and comforted

I will remember to fill my life with laughter even in the most difficult of situations

I will try to be considerate in all of my actions

I will search for my truth

I will be open to the people and the world around me and to new opportunites

I will continue to look for ways I can expand my knowledge

I will not try to be anything but myself

I will not take life too seriously and find joy in everything I do

I will not let fear get in the way of living my life

I will use Mandela’s journey to find the courage to know that I should always stand up for what I believe in

the pin hole sized wound that only allowed the pain to drip in slowly has now become a steady stream.

her life missed

her smile gone,

living only in our memory

an alternate universe that we now have to live in

that does not include her

where we are still expected to smile and shine on

to listen to other’s life aggrevations and nod and try to listen

but not be able to really hear

i remain confused.

i remain hurt.

but alas, i remain.

i find myself angry at the world right now. and i want it to stop. last night i walked along my street looking up at the moon in disbelief. usually in disbelief of its enigmatic beauty but tonight instead by its audacity to show up as if everything was normal and on track.

i find myself sad because of the world right now. and i want it to stop. the gentlest of melodies or an explosion of memories within my brain force tears to fall from my eyes. tears that i am now too tired to shed.

and then it will be the simplest of things that brings me back. the most simple acts in life that can renew my strength if even for a moment. as simple as the way the clerk at my corner store smiles when he sees that i’m back and how he seems genuinely heartbroken if i only buy one chocolate bar instead of three because the deal is too good to pass up. or to see a baby bundled up in a stoller, eyes open to the world around.

so when the moon comes out again like clockwork i will try to look at it with new eyes. until they are not filled with tears though i do not believe i will be able to see its beauty again.

Always a fan of Morgan Spurlock and looking forward to seeing this one!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4jgwq_where-in-the-world-is-osama-bin-lad_shortfilms

Gladys Marie Sills, my grandma, at 19 years of age pictured above.  I wonder what she thought would come of here life when this picture was taken.  What dreams she had, what hopes.  It is so strange to see myself in her face and eyes.  As I stroked her hair and felt her tiny hand in mine, I reminded her of all the stories she had told me over tea or on our sunday drives between LA and her home.  The job at the playing card factory where she would go round and round the table, meeting grandpa at the dance, the time she took the car and ran off to Chatham in a fit of anger and empowerment - the stories she loved to tell.  No words to share left within her mouth, she listened.  She heard.  She knew that her stories would live on and that although her world didn’t exist too far beyond a small city in ontario, that the people who kept them would and have been around the world.  comfortable and warm with a teddy bear in her arms, she heard that she was loved and that she was a good grandmother and that it was now time to sleep and have sweet dreams.

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

–Mary Oliver

i am so looking forward to spending some quality time with friends this weekend.  hopefully by the time we meet i will finally be finished all my shopping and can just concentrate on all my sweet, soulful beauties and my boyzzz and of course my jay.  of course it won’t be the same without jodes this year, so i put this picture up to lift my spirits about that.  her charm and fun spirit are exactly what draw me to her and this picture, like almost all pictures of jody, capture the essence of that.  i know she is sad as well that she isn’t able to come this year but i hope she knows that even when she is miles and miles away she is always in my thoughts and heart and that i think it is so amazing that she is hosting her very first christmas.  so a very big holiday hug, kiss and smile go out to jodes, dave and aidan this saturday! we all love you and can’t wait to see you in the new year!