Filed under: all that noise
My heart aches today. Sadness has overcome my muscles and has seeped into my blood stream. See my grandma was all set to die. Her time had come and things seemed to spiral so fast. The suffering, although not painful physically to her, was evident and with each stroke of her unkempt hair and touch of her soft skin i let that in. i let my heart let her go. I think we all did. But today she presses on and has decided to start letting food in her mouth and has decided to swallow. Some would say it is a miracle.What brings me the sadness is that although it is her that is allowing herself to rally and hence has not given up her will to live, i know that this world is just not for her anymore. There is a tremendous sinking feeling in my stomach that although just days ago i put a spoon to her mouth and persuaded her to eat, that i wish she would just let go now. What a dark feeling to bare. But to be in this world but not really have your mind fully in the game just seems like such a scary proposition to me. Of course if she does give up on this life, another type of sadness will form in my heart. I feel more ready for this though.I happened to catch an old show on tv on the blizzardy sunday morning. in it the lead was seeking some therapy for her sadness and was told to make a list and think about three things that she was looking forward to and three things she loved to help break in a more positive light. so………
three things i am looking forward to:
1) the kids running up the porch on boxing day excited and full of love
2) a teleseminar tonight about a future direction
3) hearing jay play blackbird on his new guitar
three things i love:
1) jay leaving some tangarines in the fridge for me cause i like them cold
2) having a cherry wiskey and coke with my mom
3) making jay’s mom really really laugh “
and we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise
and we are just
breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys” ~ingrid michaelson
Filed under: guerilla
i have a task for you. it is fun and positive.type, write, colour a message onto a piece of paper. it doesn’t have to be pretty. it can just be a scrap. make sure the message is something you want to put out into the world. a favourite quote, a piece of advice, anything goes.
leave the message in a public place.
walk away.
i have done this several times now but yesterday was my most positive experience. i was at a hotel. i wrote a ghandi quote in the lobby area of the conference centre. i walked away. i watched from afar, as i waited for my session to start, and saw people glancing at it as they walked by. those words now burnt into their minds. i had to return to the same location many hours later and much to my delight someone else had written another ghandi quote on a piece of paper and left it on the same table beside mine.
try it. i guarantee that even if you walk away instantly and never see if someone reads what you wrote, you will be filled with energy from sharing a random thought with the world and the intrigue of not knowing if someone really needed to read that message at that moment. it is magic. the power of words.
Filed under: on my mind
this movie – For the bible tells me so http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/film.htm
these books -
if on a winter’s night a traveller http://www.amazon.com/Winters-Traveller-Everymans-Library-Classics/dp/1857151380
extremely loud and incredibly close http://www.amazon.com/Extremely-Loud-Incredibly-Close-Novel/dp/0618711651/ref=pd_bbs_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195750636&sr=1-3
going to this musical at the detroit opera house – the lion king http://www.motopera.org/overview/events.html
this fragrance – the charmer
having a week off at the end of december!
the paint colours sage olive and tate olive for our living room and dining room
being inspired by shelley to take a quilting class
pursuing my dreams
my husband being finished marking papers for a short amount of time
planning
wearing my new toque
being open to be completely inspired by the people around me
Filed under: if there's nothing left to burn...
“And those that were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music” – Nietzsche
Filed under: Uncategorized
i am so excited about this new book, crazy sexy cancer tips by kris carr that i have to post something to spread the word before i have even finished. although a lot of the dialogue is about cancer, it is for any person that wants to be present in their life.
i wish i would have caught the documentary on discovery health. it has run twice now.
anyway, buy the book! check out the website at http://www.crazysexycancer.com/
another book that i am still obsessing over is Eat, Pray, Love. it is another must read. i am sharing it with people and then i am going to read it again. good one for your library, especially if you like travel and non-fiction.
these books and other influences in my life right now have insprired me to start thinking of a book concept of my own…..stay tuned!
Filed under: Uncategorized
please read and pass along to your friends!!
don’t be fooled by some of the misleading articles and new stories being put out by the media regarding the vote oct. 10th. some of these stories are suggesting that by voting for mmp you would have officials selected for positions that were not known before the election. this is not true! please read this piece my brother dave wrote in an e-mail to some of the members of our family that are a bit older and who the media is trying to target the most with their scare tactics.
Let me ask you this: do we ‘elect’ a premier? Yes, but not directly. Party members choose a premier to lead their party through a tried and true democratic nomination process. No problem there, right?This same type of process is used by other countries using MMP to choose the candidates on their party lists, and it would be used here as well. The party lists with the nominated candidates would be published, in order, before the election and could not be changed during the campaign. The process by which the candidates were chosen by each party would also be published to make it completely transparent. So, voters would elect the candidates on the list much like they elect the premier.
Second question: is the premier accountable to voters? Of course he/she is! If the premier does a bad job, he’s out the next election. The same would be true of the seats won via the party lists. No one doing a bad job is going to get nominated by their party to be on the list, and voters won’t vote for a party with a list of poor performers. Not only that. Right now, if I vote for the Green Party but a Conservative wins in my riding, he/she may be representing my riding but certainly is not representing my views. If the Green Party were to have no one win a riding but a few members elected via lists, I would certainly feel better represented in the legislature and hold those people to account. Every other person in Ontario who voted Green would also be on their case to represent their views. Just because they represent a larger constituency (regional or provincial) does not make them unaccountable.And regarding increasing the number of politicians, we had 130 seats in the legislature before Harris came along and cut it to 103 – yet another Harris legacy. MMP would restore the total number of seats to just under what it was before Harris. Even then, we will have the lowest number of seats per capita of any province in Canada! MMP actually increases and improves our democratic representation.Anyhow, if I haven’t convinced you by now, I probably won’t. I guess my final plea would be to think about leaving a legacy of more effective democracy for the generations coming up behind you. Everyone I talk to that is my age and younger is voting for MMP.
Filed under: the world around me
last weekend jay and i hit the big city. the traffic on the 401 as we entered the area made me want to turn around, but once parked i realized again how much i love toronto. we stayed at the Drake Hotel and i was delighted once again by the great service and funky rooms. much to my delight they had an arts&crafts sampler CD waiting for me in my room, which just happens to be my favourite label. We eventually got down to the restaurant and had some great food. Sticky toffee pudding is the best! i have heard from one of Jay’s friends who lives in the area that the Gladstone is equally as interesting, so i may check it out next time i head that way.
the next day i had to work a trade show, the World MBA tour. 900 potential business students marching from booth to booth looking for their ticket to be the next CEO of Microsoft. Before the show began i was pacing a bit back and forth around my booth, annoyed that i had arrived an hour sooner than i had to. i was thinking about some work issues and unfortantely had some negative thoughts about a few specific items come through my head. as i waited for the start time to arrive, other exhibitors were entering and setting up. exhibitors from the other side of the world come to take part.
a team of exhibitors were setting up close by and i had pegged them as europeans as they seemed to be more sophisticated and dressed with a bit more flare. one of them suddenly approached me from behind. i turned to see this older gentlemen, white scarf around his neck matching the pigment of his thick hair, with concerned eyes staring at me. I reached out my hand as any business person would do, introducing myself and trying to catch of glimpse of his name tag to see what school he represented. he almost seemed annoyed with the trivial nature of introductions and told me that i was sending out a lot of negative energy and he would like the opportunity to heal me. he said this as his hands are raising toward my back, mere inches separating us. he showed me in silence the pressure points he would like to touch on my back and asks for permission to engage. he looks very compelled to do this, like it is beyond him. i felt at this point that this encounter was odd and i am concerned that he actually is in the wrong room as “the secret” exhibition was on the north side of the convention centre. i figured i had some time to kill though, so why not see what he can offer. as he pushed and massaged certain points of my upper back and neck, i chatted with him about wanting to get back to yoga classes on a regular basis. he stoped all movements and stresses to me that this is beyond yoga and is about energy. that he was healing me. he told me he is from toronto (way wrong about european) and that his father is with him at the show and that he is from greenland and is even better at this and that his father will observe me from afar and then come over if i need a bit more of the healing touch. he took his hands off of me, checked me out intensely, really searching me with his eyes to make sure he was finished and walked away.
his father never came over so i presume that his job was done to its fullest. you can imagine as he walked away i had a million things running through my mind. i would normally have just laughed it off and moved on but something had changed inside me, if only temporarily. i felt lighter and the natural state of my lips on my face had curved upward toward the sky. i could not stop smiling and it was not just because the situation was laughable. it seemed to last the rest of the day and maybe then some. i believe that he shifted some of my energy around in a positive manner. it was the strangest thing that has probably ever happened at an mba fair, and has made me wonder what exactly he saw coming from me that day that my untrained eye could never detect.
i guess i will never know now, but can only presume that he in fact did see something. he never tried to sell me anything, didn’t offer his name or a card. he just had a job to get done and i thank him for taking the time to offer me such a unique experience.
Filed under: Uncategorized
a simple list i made years ago when i was a single gal of the things i coveted in the man of my dreams.
~considerate
~easy going
~would bring me flowers on occasion
~likes to dance
Of course I wanted to find someone with similar values, who was smart, funny, all the necessary stuff, but this list comprised the bonus items and ones that were true to just me not just what everyone is looking for. I made the list because I always find when you write things down they become more real. The words find a way of becoming more cemented in my mind and even if I forget that I made the list, it lays there in one of the filing cabinets lined up within my brain.
Something made be think of this list the other day and I thought hmmm..does my new husband live up to this list. I went down each item in my head.
Considerate – this was a broad term in my head that encompassed valuing my time and others, respecting my feelings, being open to the world. Jay by far has exceeded any expectation I had for this.
Easy going = jay
Brings me flowers on occasion – yep! i’m so lucky.. 
Likes to dance – oh no! jay hates to dance……or does he. with this list and many things in life it requires perspective and being open to understanding that when you wish things for yourself you may not even realize the true meaning until it comes to you. (and no i am not into ”the secret”) i wished that the man of my dreams like to dance. when i wrote that many moons ago, what i meant was that i was hoping for someone to boogie with on the dance floor and someone who would take me in his arms and pull me close during slow songs. jay is not that guy. he would prefer to chat with a bunch of people and watch others hit the dance floor. he does however, love to dance around the house doing all these crazy moves that my little nephew jack inspired him with and especially goes crazy during the office theme song. he’s got some great moves!! this is something that i adore about jay and it is extra special because he really only does it in front of me in the comfort of our home.
so my silly little list wasn’t so silly after all and what i really wanted to happen did. sometimes you just have to look at things from a different angle or perspective to understand it fully. so make little lists but don’t get caught up in the details of them. stand on a table. lie on the ground for a better view of the world. just don’t be afraid to do the work to make whatever it is you are looking for a reality!
Filed under: Uncategorized
inspired by mighty girl, my first decade starting from when i can actually remember:
age 3 – loved to sing “going to wash that grey right out of your hair” from that hair product company Loving Care or something. sang it all the way from windsor, ontario to the west coast of canada in the backseat of the buick skylark, right in between my two older brothers who desparately wanted to pull out all of my hair so that going grey would never have to be a worry of mine.
age 4 – would roll out of bed saturday morning and before even rubbing the sleep out of my eyes would be in adam’s basement watching cartoons, sometimes peering out the window at my parent’s house and feeling oh so far away even though i was just across the street. we would build forts out of the pillows and blankets found on the couches.
age 5 – slow danced with lee with jen and matt slow dancing beside us in the basketball circle in front of our kindergarden door wearing my pink striped dress with pink heart buttons. couldn’t believe how wonderful my life was in this place called school. learned a lot about acceptance when playing the elephant game with mrs. collins and putting my tiny hand on where her hand once had been and now was just the end of her arm. i still remember how it felt.
age 6 – sang my heart out to “the muffin man” in the little theatre and couldn’t believe that when we returned to our classroom one day, the easter bunny had left us some treats. was thoroughly impressed that even though she was his mom, if darcy velcroed his shoes one more time, mrs. mcclure would actually throw his shoe in the garbage. realized that when you have to go to the washroom, get down from the top of the monkey bars before it is too late!
age 7 – learned about s e x for the first time from a friend in between sets of our 2 pm performance of wham songs choreographed to our liking at the soccer goal posts. realized that telling my friends about s e x at a sleep over gets one in trouble and instead it was better to pretend you didn’t really know what it meant and that as far as you were concerned it was just kissing. wink wink. learned that sometimes it is better to lie to your parents if it was for their own good.
age 8 – made my mom a christmas decoration that somewhat resembled a snowman and realized i may not be a crafty person but liked the idea of it. had fun dressing up as a pilgram. fell head over heels for my lunch monitor matt. gained a new level of independence with both of my brothers moving on to highschool and now walking back and forth to school on my own.
age 9 – missed a day of roman numerals that cost me years and years of confusion. learned the value of money and how to barter in an auction, holding out for what you really want. received a D in printing on my report card for printing microscopically small because karen did it and i liked the way it looked, causing my teacher to need bifocals and parents to arrange a parent / teacher meeting. realized that if you want your voice to be louder you can make a fist in front of your mouth to project it.
age 10 – slept in a bunk bed at fort malden and ate clumpy porridge in the morning. wasn’t too sure that my mom knew what she was talking about when she said that my hair had a longer piece hanging down on my neck that the hairdresser missed but was convinced it was true when my teacher got out the scissors and told me she wanted to fix it. started pretending i wasn’t interested in answering questions on the board because i couldn’t see them.
Filed under: on my mind
the last few weeks i have felt a sudden urge to write again. whether it be here or in a journal or a piece of fiction. so i figure i will try all three. it is an outlet i need in my life and feel i have to keep it nourished more regularly. i feel i am at a pivotal point in my life, a time of reflection, a new identity forming. Who am I as a wife, want do I want in my career, how to balance it all? What do I want to spend my free time engaging in. Lately, I have felt very tired and can’t seem to find the courage to take on all that I want to. Which brings me to a question posed by one of my favourite bloggers Superhero Andrea, “What scares you?”The discussion centred on taking baby steps or practice doing things that bring you great fear in order to be ready for the biggest leaps in your life. I recently was involved in a few teleclass orientation sessions to become a life coach and one of the steps that they discussed was picking a niche. They said if you weren’t certain what area you wanted to specialize in start asking the people around you what they see as your five greatest strengths and see if it leads you in the right direction. One strength that my friend Jody mentioned (I only got as far as asking her before i realized I would have to hold off on being a life coach for a while) was taking risks. I had never thought of myself as a risk taker but as I read her words I quickly thought of many reasons she would have picked that for her list. I want to take this to the next level now. I want to put myself out there as exactly who I am without any apologies. The first step in that is determining what that means for myself. So today, I set forth on an adventure. An adventure that forces me to tap into things that have since only floated around in my mind. What scares me the most is the idea of going through the motions of life instead of nurturing my ideas, passions and gusto enough to become my authentic self. So here I go.
What scares you and what steps are you willing to take to put in some practice time?
